data.3news-bydate.train.rec.sport.baseball.105065 Maven / Gradle / Ivy
Organization: University of Notre Dame - Office of Univ. Computing
From:
Subject: bob vesterman's plan to generate fan interest
Lines: 39
the owners are whining about baseball not being popular among a
large enough portion of the population, and have suggested various
"remedies", such as shortening the game or trying to convince us that
"smoke'embake'emdominatebysheerintimidation" is an accurate description
of what is, essentially, a laid-back game.
forget those lame ideas. here is my new and exciting two-point plan to
generate interest in baseball among the masses.
point one: sex.
point two: violence.
let's face it, sex and violence are the only things that sell in
america. here's how we can implement them in the game:
sex: cheerleaders, cheerleaders, and more cheerleaders. dancing on top
of the dugouts. bringing hot dogs to the umps during the seventh
inning stretch. running up and down the stands. (the south bend
white sox actually do this).
violence: baseball players are such utter wuss boys. the pitcher beans
the batter, and both benches empty in what is called a "bench-clearing
brawl". EVERYBODY JUST STANDS THERE AND LOOKS AT EACH OTHER. stand,
stand, stand. look, look, look. ho, hum. then, the bullpens
come running in. when they reach the "fight", they just stand
there, too.
anybody coming off the bench who does not throw at least one punch
should be suspended and fined. further, the bullpens should fight
it out in the outfield, so as not to waste time and energy running
to the infield.
football: sex, violence.
basketball: sex, violence.
hockey: violence.
baseball: "da pastime of da nayshun!" - yawn.
bob vesterman.